Thursday, August 29, 2013

Unknown Fear

I feel like Im going to crush by this unknown fear...I want to know what is troubling me?? How can I not know what I nervous for when I'm being this unsettle?? Am I really to the point of madness??? What happens to me???

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Confusion 2

perhaps this is the answer of my confusion of my last week post...Im glad i finally figure it out myself :) tis is also the answer of why I broke up with my ex :) I gain freedom after I did tat :D

Yesterday Sam ask me for hang out today, yup, just me and him, at first I was worry that it would be awkward because only me and him go out together, but is exactly the opposite! xD the feeling is different when I go out with my brother gang or my ex, is casual...we just talk watever we pop into our mind, and non stop xD i feel like is a whole different relationship between me and him, talk abt how me and Sam know each other, we are classmate from standard 4 to standard 6 in primary school, then same car from form 1 or form 2 to form 4 and my classmate again in form 5 in our secondary school, we also enter NS at the same time but different place but we would chat everytime we get our phone back during the 3 months NS life. Now after NS so long we haven't contact each other and we finally meet again :)

Hmm...wat is the relationship between me and him? ex-classmate? ex-car pool? is like...more than friend, less than best friend, different from being a "brother" and less than romantic relationship.... wow such complicated relationship, he is really a special friend of mine :) I hope I can keep the friendship like this to the end, Im sure he will, because he is such a special friend of mine :)

Ah !! I know!! is this call a "bosom buddy"? I can talk to him so casually, we can share whatever things about us, even porn even though we are opposite gender haha, but even though, we didn't contact each other so often, but when we do, we just talk and talk and talk......

Do I have feeling for him? I cant even say so myself anymore, since the pass incident had garbled my ability to interpret of having REAL feeling for a boy, now, I have equal feeling for boys, even got different feeling I will also consider it as the same feeling I have for other boys, I cannot differentiate it anymore, I'm scare to make another mistakes anymore, so, maybe I have feeling for him or maybe not, just like with other boys I interact with, What have happened to me???

Friday, August 2, 2013

Confusing gender

 Sometimes Im confuse of myself, I dunno what my gender truly is...don't get me wrong, a gender and sex is different, according to my teachers in back when I joined National Service, they said sex is according to ur physical appearance, which is your sexual organ, weather u r a boy or a girl, but gender is according to ur mental and spiritual.

I'm fully aware of myself that I'm a girl, but, I'm not sure about my inner self...

Why I will question myself? It all start when I confess to a boy who I assume that I like him, but actually is not, the special feeling tat i have for him is only because he is the first male friend tat i ever have, but is not feeling of love, tat is a mistake tat i made. When Im with him, I does not feel comfortable, because the relationship has changed, he was my boyfriend, and i feel caged and so many restriction, I want to be free! I wan to be like a boy! so i broke up with him.

I like being around with boys, large group of boys not that i wan to flirt with them but I just feel comfortable when being with them, I can be who I am, without considering all the rules that how a girl should be, I just you want me to say what is my feeling toward them...they are my families...because when I being with them, I can trust them and relax with them as I would do in my home with my family...I just cant have the romantic love feeling toward them, even if they have any for me, i guess i haven't meet the right person yet.

I always feel that Im a gay rather then a straight girl, even though Im a girl in physical and I only have feeling for boy ( only interest in  male character, handsome men) but I still not feel normal of myself, because my thinking is boyish and I just can't do what a girl normally will do...I always want to dress like a boy, i despise dress and skirt, even if makeup I always think of how to make me look more like a boy...

I'm really confuse...will my friends accept who am I when they learn all this ? One thing I must emphasize, I'm not interest in girl so I'm not a homo, I just think and dress like boy.