Friday, August 2, 2013

Confusing gender

 Sometimes Im confuse of myself, I dunno what my gender truly is...don't get me wrong, a gender and sex is different, according to my teachers in back when I joined National Service, they said sex is according to ur physical appearance, which is your sexual organ, weather u r a boy or a girl, but gender is according to ur mental and spiritual.

I'm fully aware of myself that I'm a girl, but, I'm not sure about my inner self...

Why I will question myself? It all start when I confess to a boy who I assume that I like him, but actually is not, the special feeling tat i have for him is only because he is the first male friend tat i ever have, but is not feeling of love, tat is a mistake tat i made. When Im with him, I does not feel comfortable, because the relationship has changed, he was my boyfriend, and i feel caged and so many restriction, I want to be free! I wan to be like a boy! so i broke up with him.

I like being around with boys, large group of boys not that i wan to flirt with them but I just feel comfortable when being with them, I can be who I am, without considering all the rules that how a girl should be, I just you want me to say what is my feeling toward them...they are my families...because when I being with them, I can trust them and relax with them as I would do in my home with my family...I just cant have the romantic love feeling toward them, even if they have any for me, i guess i haven't meet the right person yet.

I always feel that Im a gay rather then a straight girl, even though Im a girl in physical and I only have feeling for boy ( only interest in  male character, handsome men) but I still not feel normal of myself, because my thinking is boyish and I just can't do what a girl normally will do...I always want to dress like a boy, i despise dress and skirt, even if makeup I always think of how to make me look more like a boy...

I'm really confuse...will my friends accept who am I when they learn all this ? One thing I must emphasize, I'm not interest in girl so I'm not a homo, I just think and dress like boy.