Tuesday, December 24, 2013

adolescence's confusion??

There is something that I cannot deny it, I am really not a normal girl.
The confusion feeling rise up again, am I still an adolescence? Why I still have th sexual confusion in me??
Yesterday, I watched some LGBT confessions, anti LGBT confession and a video about tomboys. I have really strange feelings, when the lesbian ( the one with boy role ) talked about themselves, most of their traits fit me, EXCEPT FOR I DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS FOR GIRLS. I admit I sometimes do enjoy looking at tomboys picture (especially those which is really handsome, even more handsome than real boys) and sometimes wanted to become like that. I even dreamt of dressing up like a boy walk on the road and suddenly a girl came up and confess to me, well that is more like a prank, then I will say :"Hey! I'm a girl!! got'cha!! hahaha!" then run away lol. But I looked at hot boys/men picture and fangirled about them as well.

Maybe you will say that: "Hey! you have really sure that you don't have feeling for girls, then you must be straight! Why the worry?" The problem is...I think I don't have feeling for boys too, don't know is it real or it just I haven't met my true love that can touch my heart. But for the previous encounter with boys, I do enjoy their company, I like to hang out with them, I love to be by their side more than with girls, but when they confessed to me, this really strange rejection and denial feeling, not that I don't like them, but I really don't want to have anymore deeper relationship with them other than friend, when I imagine the scene of me kissing or doing other more closer things (like every other couple will do) with another guy or girl, this very disgusting and hatred feeling rise up. I've dated a guy before, but everything that we do, I reject them very much, then I thought I really don't suit to dating so I broke up with him.

I wanted to be more manly, I wanted to dress up like a boy, I wanted people to admire and adore me but I don't have romantic feeling for girls (or boys?). My family and friends would misunderstand if I really done that, is it impossible to become a straight tomboy?? My little brother even scolded me and give me the disgusted look whenever I borrow their clothes and cut my hair, my mom even asked me that am I like girls?

I do enjoy being a girl, I know who I am, but I hope I have the chance to become opposite sex of myself for only one day, that's why, I like cosplay as male character, I like Kagamine Len because he is the mirror image, opposite sex of Kagamine Rin.

I am really not normal.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Malaysia First Anime?

I saw a commercial on the bus, is an anime trailer, but the characters all wearing traditional Malay costume like Hang Tuah like that, then I was shocked and happy the same time coz i thought our local animation finally reach a higher standard level like japan anime, so I go look up about the so-call Malaysia anime and find out that is a collabration between Malaysia animation studio, Funcel and Japan animation studio, Gonzo with the support of National Film Development Corporation of Malaysia to create an anime series featuring young Hang Tuah and his friends.

But then even the director, Hiroyuki Kitakubo (Blood: The Last Vampire) have refuse to claim himself as director but a advisor and tweeted that he is working on a SHITTY Malaysia anime =___= I heard that it was suppose to release on 2012 but no further news abt it and 22 out of 24 episodes have subcontracted to China (nt sure wat it mean but definately not a good thing)..

well I was expecting something when I saw the trailer on bus but after I do more research... I must say that...Malaysia Boleh ._. btw here is the "Malaysia Anime" that Im talking abt .__. is called Sintria: the warriors of 7 elements.

Talking about Malaysia Animation Studio, I prefer Animasia Studio more than Funcel, They have more potential and they have won many awards, they even have their products show on Cartoon Network ( Bola Kampung series) and Disney XD (Supa Strikas) which is one of my favourite cartoons, while Funcel? who is that? ._.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Unknown Fear

I feel like Im going to crush by this unknown fear...I want to know what is troubling me?? How can I not know what I nervous for when I'm being this unsettle?? Am I really to the point of madness??? What happens to me???

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Confusion 2


perhaps this is the answer of my confusion of my last week post...Im glad i finally figure it out myself :) tis is also the answer of why I broke up with my ex :) I gain freedom after I did tat :D

Yesterday Sam ask me for hang out today, yup, just me and him, at first I was worry that it would be awkward because only me and him go out together, but is exactly the opposite! xD the feeling is different when I go out with my brother gang or my ex, is like....so casual...we just talk watever we pop into our mind, and non stop xD i feel like is a whole different relationship between me and him, talk abt how me and Sam know each other, we are classmate from standard 4 to standard 6 in primary school, then same car from form 1 or form 2 to form 4 and my classmate again in form 5 in our secondary school, we also enter NS at the same time but different place but we would chat everytime we get our phone back during the 3 months NS life. Now after NS so long we haven't contact each other and we finally meet again :)

Hmm...wat is the relationship between me and him? ex-classmate? ex-car pool? is like...more than friend, less than best friend, different from being a "brother" and less than romantic relationship.... wow such complicated relationship, he is really a special friend of mine :) I hope I can keep the friendship like this to the end, Im sure he will, because he is such a special friend of mine :)

Ah !! I know!! is this call a "bosom buddy"? I can talk to him so casually, we can share whatever things about us, even porn even though we are opposite gender haha, but even though, we didn't contact each other so often, but when we do, we just talk and talk and talk......

Do I have feeling for him? I cant even say so myself anymore, since the pass incident had garbled my ability to interpret of having REAL feeling for a boy, now, I have equal feeling for boys, even got different feeling I will also consider it as the same feeling I have for other boys, I cannot differentiate it anymore, I'm scare to make another mistakes anymore, so, maybe I have feeling for him or maybe not, just like with other boys I interact with, What have happened to me???

Friday, August 2, 2013

Confusing gender

 Sometimes Im confuse of myself, I dunno what my gender truly is...don't get me wrong, a gender and sex is different, according to my teachers in back when I joined National Service, they said sex is according to ur physical appearance, which is your sexual organ, weather u r a boy or a girl, but gender is according to ur mental and spiritual.

I'm fully aware of myself that I'm a girl, but, I'm not sure about my inner self...

Why I will question myself? It all start when I confess to a boy who I assume that I like him, but actually is not, the special feeling tat i have for him is only because he is the first male friend tat i ever have, but is not feeling of love, tat is a mistake tat i made. When Im with him, I does not feel comfortable, because the relationship has changed, he was my boyfriend, and i feel caged and so many restriction, I want to be free! I wan to be like a boy! so i broke up with him.

I like being around with boys, large group of boys not that i wan to flirt with them but I just feel comfortable when being with them, I can be who I am, without considering all the rules that how a girl should be, I just feel...free...if you want me to say what is my feeling toward them...they are my families...because when I being with them, I can trust them and relax with them as I would do in my home with my family...I just cant have the romantic love feeling toward them, even if they have any for me, i guess i haven't meet the right person yet.

I always feel that Im a gay rather then a straight girl, even though Im a girl in physical and I only have feeling for boy ( only interest in  male character, handsome men) but I still not feel normal of myself, because my thinking is just...so boyish and I just can't do what a girl normally will do...I always want to dress like a boy, i despise dress and skirt, even if makeup I always think of how to make me look more like a boy...

I'm really confuse...will my friends accept who am I when they learn all this ? One thing I must emphasize, I'm not interest in girl so I'm not a homo, I just think and dress like boy.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

High school to college

LoL  Long time I didnt update my blog...so yeah...here I am lol...so many things that happend through out the years and there is no end in writing those stories...and I have goldfish memory also, I just forget what had happened in the past and move on, no matter happy or unhappy times...ya i know im kinda cruel to forget all those happy times i spent with my friends but hey, i cant help it, even if I remembered just pieces that all I could retrieve...so ...sorry ...

OK...What I wanted to say is...I'M A COLLEGE STUDENT NOW!!! lol time flies huh? When is the last time I update my blog again?? nah I forgot =.= I'm doing foundation of art and design currently at KBU international college and will continue my degree in Graphic Design :) Im so happy to be able to continue my dream in art even though I'm from pure science class, after two years of pure science study I confirmed that I 'm not suitable for science related career...art is my true destiny lol Im glad that my parent finally agree to let me learn art although it is still stress ( for workloads, deadlines and redos) but Im still happy compare when in science class :) I really enjoy it and I will continue work hard for it xD

some footage photo during orientation :) met many awesome friends, funny classmates and kind seniors xD

Funny classmates lol dun hit me!! * run away*

My cool and kind senior xD

also made some friends from diploma class :)

and foreign friend too xD

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

memories with friends after graduate from secondary school

  Finally!!! I get to spend time with my friends, creating sweet memories before I go for my National Service this saturday...I spent time with my best childhood friend Elaine on a boat ride to Pulau Ketam :DD,and also with Celia, Celine, abowloffish, Pei Si and Wai Yee in our 2013 countdown steamboat party...too bad I cannot stay until the count down :( and lastly with my brothas!!!!!! xDDD Teoh, S.Ze, X.Hau and Jake in Sunway :DDD these friends is the friends that I adore until I treat them as brothers and sisters already( and I mean onii chan and onee chan), They always take care of me and support me when I was down :) oh ya dun forget last year's comic fiesta with the same group with the addition of Yuki and Mia xD and the movie with Wynn, Bryan and QiQi :)) 

  Spending so much time on having fun with my friends after SPM and when the result come out in March which is the month that I end my Nasional Service I will be suffer to death!! Dx I think I didnt done well in my exam which piss my parent alot ( which parent wouldn't?) so since the result haven't come out yet I will enjoy and have fun as much as possible xD

  Lastly, I would like to thank all the names I have mentioned, thank you for being my friends and I really glad that none of you ever left me since the day we met. I love you all <3 font="font">

Graduation Party for chinese class

the boy is Wynn that I talking about :)

bros with me cosplay as karakuri burst len kagamine

and my sis's at count down party :)

another outing with my bros :)

too bad I didnt took photo with Elaine one :,( that is also one of my fun and memorable experience with my best friend